Preface: I have a lot of unpublished drafts. I like to go back and look at them from time to time as they catalogue feelings and times that I was going through. Here is one from 2009 called Moron. I had just decided to take a break from a relationship with someone I loved very much (and later it turned into a break-up.. temporarily).
It is 4:26 pm on Monday, December 14th, in my 24th year, 2009. I am listening to the same song I’ve had on repeat for 22 times over the past 12 hours. This song is a German Remix to an Australian group’s song. Last night I listened to it and it made my body shiver with the need to dance; joyous, you could say.
Today, I listen to it and it is astoundingly hollow and somber– still appropriate. I don’t think my life has been one with many significant mistakes, though plenty of little ones along the way. I guess I’ve never liked making mistakes. Today, over the course of the past few hours and reaching its conclusion a few minutes ago.. I just probably made the biggest mistake of my life, maybe even willingly too. An act of pure idiocy that has potential to swell into a haunting moment that quietly follows me the rest of my life.
Silence is agonizing.
I just needed to record this moment. I pray that the stupidity of my youth isn’t appropriately reprimanded. But if so.. I deserve it.
Moron.