an unpublished, unshared letter written on December 26, 2009 at 3:42 AM. Honestly, doesn’t feel like much has changed in my life even since then..
Marlhazts, brugizzin– ok, so I totally made that one up, but I think we covered about every possible one in the past already so I needed to bend the rules on this one.
This is a hard letter to write. I don’t really know how much I have resolved. I’m in an interior struggle. A self-contained tug-of-war. I also have circled around everything so much that it is hard for me to know which part of this cave network to enter from. Finally, I don’t know what words I will end up with on paper, nor the potential fallout from what is written. I wish I could be fair to you.
First let me say, I love you very much. I know without a doubt that this break has been good for both of us, and that would of course strengthen our relationship so much. On top of this, you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. You’re my best friend in my life presently, I feel like that is something that bridges even a little further out than just love in the man-woman sense.
Anyway, like I said, I am amidst a massive internal battle right now. I know certain things. I know how strongly I love you and value your friendship. I have an idea how far my life is from where I feel I need it to be, and I think to where God wants it to be. I think I know how long these things can take to rebuild too. I know that I don’t want to break-up. I know that sometimes our wants don’t always align with our needs. I know that timing isn’t always determined by us, no matter how hard we can try. I know how much, down the road, I would love and be so blessed to get the honor of spending the rest of my ife with you. I know and have the idea of a lot of things.
I don’t know many things either. I still don’t know much about this break. I don’t know its dimensions, its boundaries, its terms, its life expectancy. Wow, I don’t really know anything about it except that it is there right now. I’m sure that sucks for you, since if anyone should have an idea on that it should be me. I don’t where I am in my life right now. Life has many different phases and stages. The nature of these varies based on where we are in our lives and how long we have lived. I don’t really know if I am hitting a different phase of my life, though I fear I might be hitting a short detour or bump in the road. I don’t know where I would end up or anything else if this were the case. The most frightening thing to me is that I don’t know if being in a relationship is feasible with the possible course my life might be heading. I don’t know what kind of person that makes me.
Every time I take a step in one direction right now, I am pulled in the other direction by an equal gravitational force. If my left eye looks left, my right eye wants to look right. If I look up, I get ambushed from below. I am confused. I am sad. I am scared. I don’t want to risk losing things, I certainly wouldn’t want to lose you, but I don’t feel like I am the pilot of my life at the moment. I fear that my course will take me away and I may lose what matters most– you.
I mentioned the Odyssey to you at one point. I feel like I’m hitting my Odyssey. I just want to be home at last, but I know full well that such an odyssey is filled with many obstacles, delays, and interesting stops. I lay afloat and lost in a sea of thought and feeling. I look up at the stars and constellations and try and read my feelings, my thoughts and get an idea where this life is taking me from these heavenly signs, but I can’t figure it out. It makes me worry and yet realize that I may stray off and never return back to the home I long for. Yet, I could return back and find nobody left home to welcome me, or maybe I struggle to find my way back for some time, and I make it back just like Odysseus and there are his loved ones, waiting for him. Or maybe I even get guided quickly and safely back home. The point being, these are all very real possibilities. That isn’t fun.
I have days where I really feel that I need to spend a prolonged amount of time on my own, just living for James Curtis– in a way further following this self-fueled break of sorts. Then again, I think that if it is the case, you have to do these things while you’re young and still can. I hate to admit it, but I do have these days where I really feel it weighing heavy on me. Of course, these days are especially awful when I’m overwhelmed with feelings of how much I care for you. It hurts to even say I love you sometimes because I feel like I could end up seeming like a huge con or liar. Furthermore, I just find myself living a paradoxical existence. If I love someone so much, how could this even be a possibility? Yet it is! It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know how to feel about it. It distresses me, yet I can’t be in denial about the possibility.
What is even worse, I often find myself having to play out this scenario in my head. It is so selfish too. In these scenarios, it is so hard. In these scenarios where I enter deep space, I still know how much I’d want to share our close friendship. Yet, I know that probably wouldn’t be possible. Would it be fair to you? Certainly not; to the highest degree. So in these scenarios I have to assume that possibility out of the question, which makes the thought even worse. Then from there, my head always figures it is a toss-up, because for one, I don’t know where I’m going in deep space and for how long. So do I lose the most special one in my life for good? Do I somehow get her back? If I even got that lucky, could I ever forgive myself– even for, at the least, just potentially gambling this away?
There is no scenario that is fair to you, even the best case. That really sucks. Once again, it is just another degree that contributes largely to my struggle.
And does it make any sense? No. I have a feeling you may even be reading this and thinking that to yourself. But its real. I’m being tugged in different directions. Heck, I wouldn’t hold it against you if you came to the conclusion that if someone can feel they love you but feel pulled away from that that they aren’t worth loving. I feel villainous for it. I just… can’t help it. I don’t have any answers though.
Here is the thing too, I know that I need to really figure this out, I need to have some solid ground on if I really need to just go live purely for myself for an extended period, or if I can really come back to it sometime soon and maintain this soft break status– But that just isn’t fair either. I can’t keep you on call for so long. I can’t keep you on the tight rope for too long, I know this. This makes things even harder.
This isn’t such a black and white matter of loving each other so much and being able to stick it out like it was with in the past, because the very nature of things might be calling me to potentially have to give everything up. It isn’t a matter of loving you at this point, it isn’t at all. I love you more than ever, I promise you that. I miss your friendship so much right now. If it was just a matter of love then things would be simple. There are things here which are too large for myself to grasp right now. I think that is why I might be hitting this new phase. The only way I could make sense of it all is I would need such a phase to explore this larger, unknown object floating about and truly comprehend it.
I really fail at properly loving you. I don’t know what else to say at this point. I am afraid. I do love you so much. I am so lonely right now, I am often miserable even if I have temporal happiness. I know I must struggle, though. I probably need to. I might even be long overdue for some mistakes in my life, Lord knows that I’ve spent so much of my life trying to avoid them.
I don’t want to leave you. I don’t know what I need though. I want things to be simple, but that just doesn’t seem possible right now.
I am a walking paradox. I am a walking violation of universal principles and laws of physics. I think I am more confused after writing this. I am sad. I don’t want you to be sad, I don’t want to make you sad. I am probably repeating myself at this point.
I am sorry, Kara. I would understand if you can’t put up with this right now, or if you don’t want to risk getting anymore hurt than you probably are. I know you love me and want to help me anyway you can. I don’t think there is much you can directly do though– that is the worst, I know. On top of this, if the only way you can really be there for me is by leaving me, well, even I don’t have any comprehension of that.
Once again, I am just so unsure and confused.
Once again, I’m sorry.