The following is a pure ramble.
A blank page can either reflect a blank mind or a busy one. Right now, I’m staring at the reflection of a rush hour traffic jam.
I’ve lost all discipline lately, and now I’m in trouble. I’ve got work that I need to do, that needed to be done over a week ago. I could finish up pretty much all of it in a couple hours, and instead, each day I just let my energy dwindle as the time seeps out of the day, while I sequester myself as a hybrid of punishment and forced motivation.
Come on, just do it. This isn’t as bad as it seems. Just do it and you can let yourself live normally again. You stay locked up until then.
Further and further I compress myself, but I can’t find the discipline. I can’t find the motivation. Excitement, it seems, has vanished from my life.
Excitement, that’s a good word.
I’ve relapsed recently. I hadn’t been noticeably depressed for a period longer than a day or two in a long time. You might could count when my parents moved, and I finally got a place to live. There was a week where I was low to the ground, but that’s about it.
Last week was a hall of famer, as far as good weeks go. So why have I been so irritated this week?
I’ve got a problem. When I get in a bad mood, I am too reliant on something good happening to me in order to buoy out of it. It is as situational as my confidence. I have no base line. Right now, I’m stuck. I’m on the cusp of something great happening to me, but it isn’t reality yet, and in the meantime, all the other stuff is more of the same.
The past. It is hard to not live in the past when there hasn’t been enough of the new layered on top of it. Too much of my life is still sitting in the past. I spent a long time deluding myself that I was above any sort of love life, and now I’m not. Now I know I’m as mortal as everyone else, and I just want to transition to watching all these TV shows by myself like some anti-social loser, to doing the same thing, but being able to call it spending time with someone.
Or maybe I just want to not be living in the past with that anymore. It’s a problem now that I know the archetype of who I want, but I can’t have who I want, so now I have to figure out some sort of way to meet someone who hits all those notes the same way the person I want does. I need something to kick up the dust. I’d entertain anything at this point. I need…
Excitement, that’s a good word.