Well, I’ve had this hunger to start writing again for a few weeks now. In the past few days it has swelled out of control and feels insatiable, but unfortunately I haven’t had the time until a time just slightly before now– and that time I filled with nothingness and space instead.
There is no empty space left inside my head at the moment though, so its time to call the movers and start unpacking. This is where the count begins, starting from zero. You know, that is a phrase that I’m essentially borrowing from Fight Club, or I guess more of a concept. In the movie there is always this talk of starting over– back from zero. In that case it is resetting the financial system and ultimately society, whereas for me, it is more like resetting my archive of thoughts, the historical remnants of myself, my entire identity. I guess I should take a couple steps back real quick. I used to have a blog, if that’s what you want to call it. It still exists. I have decided to retire it though. Just thinking back on it, it really pulls me back to what now feels like a more trivial life, though I’m sure that if I am going to assert that now that when I’m 28 I could easily end up saying the same thing about when I was 23. Point being, that I am a different person now. Though shaped by who I was back then when I really used it (mainly 17-19 or 20 years old), I am a uniquely different shape than what I once was. Thus, I feel like I should detach from that former and let the past sit as a reminder.
So here we are– on the new blog. You know what? I don’t even really like the concept of blogging. I don’t like journaling either. I do like writing though. I like writing with relevancy to my life and I like writing in exploration of thought. Sometimes I like to write more creatively, but essentially, I thought to myself, well why do I like writing on the ‘blog’ medium? Given the fact that I don’t like the concept or word blog, I came to realize that I like how I am able to write in this format. With a journal, I feel like you’re writing to yourself. Heck, you could write using whatever person and plurality you want, but you’re still just writing to yourself. In this format, I can write to an audience. The audience doesn’t actually have to exist, but just the concept that there could be an audience means I’m writing to an audience. I like writing to an audience. On top of this, I see writing to be the peak of thought’s complexity and clarity. With my mind, I need to write.
Anyway, so I’m back to zero with the whole writing and blog concept, but as of very recently, I’ve began to wonder if I am headed that way in terms of my self; who I am. If I think back, I guess I could identify a few, but probably not all, times where I have started over back at zero. Birth, obviously one; anytime a kid enters school that is a given– when I entered Fairview High School when I was 16 (almost 17) after homeschooling 9th and 10th grade would be another example. My first two years at Belmont were another instance, and quite a process. I guess I should first admit, I don’t know if I really am hitting this sort of resetting or not, and that is part of why I’m feeling the need to write about it.
A week or so ago, the concept was non-existent to me. Actually, I feel like the past month or two has been an internal renaissance. After a long and hard year (but let me note still a very blessed one), I felt like I was breathing fresh air. After taking solace in listlessness and apathy, I noticed that my steps were propelled by hints of motivation and ambition. After being holed up in a small box of a world, I had opened my eyes to a much greater ambience. I wanted to saturate it. I wanted to fill all the little holes and corners I had disappeared from or overlooked. I felt like getting out there and proving myself, whether it be in things that I had formerly gained reputation in or new challenges I could create myself– and for the first time in a long time it all felt possible. I really felt great.
Slip down the time line to what is pretty much the present and I’ve lost that empowering feeling of excitement, but I’m still feeling as motivated as ever. There is something just off with me, or at least that is what is in question. Is the something really off with me? I guess I have certain behaviors and tendencies that I have displayed the past week, maybe two, that indicate that there is something stirring within myself. And I apologize for the highly ambiguous and general tone of things, but I guess that having things brought to my attention, about myself, that I didn’t notice has led me to really try and figure myself out for the past few days. There is nobody who confuses me more than myself; what an inescapable maze I am.
It’s been a long month. I’ve tried harder in school than I have in a long time, but not only have I put earnest effort in, but I’ve sustained it for the longest period since 6th or 7th grade. Usually I just give a small percent of effort and come out pretty well, but where I would usually just tell myself, “I know this is all I need to meet standards,” I’ve kept working. I’ve toiled and tumbled with writing the smallest assignments, over researched topics until I get tangled up in the vast amount of information I have (and probably cause some harm to the quality of my work in the process)– ok, I’m boring myself here. Point being, I’ve been consumed for a pretty long time– given my propensity for laziness, that is (and school is the largest factor). So what I’m getting at is everything could easily be attributed the this sustained sprint, but is it really?
As of right now I’m very uncertain about myself. I’m wondering if I could be at risk for being in denial that I’m undergoing a rapid internal shake-up, but here’s the thing: I have no idea what could have prompted such a thing. See the problem? How can I identify whether or not I really have been entering a phase of internal change if I can’t link anything or any series of things to this. I suppose that if I assumed I was, the only thing that could come close to a catalyst would be this personal renaissance I mentioned earlier, but that just seems to broad and unnecessary.
If I just sit down and try to think I only end up feeling. I feel like a risk. I don’t know how I feel about that feeling. I don’t think I’m in a position in my personal life to be a risk of any sort. I’m starting to feel like I’m turning into a misrepresentation. I feel certain ways. I know the things and people I care about. I know where my love is directed. I am wholly thankful for the bonds I currently have, yet as has been revealed to me, I’m not representing that very well lately. I’m just a misrepresentation. What am I misrepresenting? Am I misrepresenting myself to all of these connections? Am I misrepresenting myself to.. myself? I guess I don’t have a clue.
I’ve become a great danger to the ones I love. I’m purely kryptonic to the ones who love me. I can’t say I’m sure what is going to happen, in the meantime my immediate struggle is figure out if and/or what is going on within myself, yet the caveat is, I can’t afford myself that time.
Because until then I’m just a danger..