I am going to talk about trust today. Before I get ahead of myself, let me say that it felt good to write something a bit more uplifting than usual last time. Unfortunately, I don’t have much of that in the tank right now, just an assortment of junk. I’m just going to reach into this pack and sort through more. I just wanted to apologize for anyone who got to see a glimmering, hopeful perspective of life last time, and is ‘rewarded’ with the colder reality of blues, grays, and dreariness that is my life.
Trust. I’ve lost faith in the concept. Maybe it is because I’ve been ever so slightly off my emotional axis today, but when I just think about trust, trusting people, and having my trust blown out of the water like fishing with dynamite, I just feel very weak. The overarching problem is that while I have lost faith in trust(ing people), I still give away my trust like suckers at the dentist. I still have copious amounts of trust vested in close vessels (people) of my personal life. Heck, I flip-flop from internally removing all trust from people who have stripped themselves their right to my trust, to feeling comfortable with the idea of fully giving it away again. That’s the overarching problem, though. There is another, smaller one that really bugs me.
Maybe it is my elitist nature, but I look at other people, other friends, and see who they are trusting, contrast it to my own life and just get upset. I am me, for Pete and Repeat’s sake!– out of what I have around me, I choose the best, brightest, and most loyal to put my trust in! And when I see other people I have in my trust bubble, and some of the straight up bimbos they have in theirs, often at a greater level than they trust me, I just get– upset.
Or that is my reasoning, at least, in all it’s fallacious, narcissistic glory. I can’t help it! After letting myself get burned so often and so easily, I sometimes only really trust myself, and the way I see it is: why wouldn’t you want to trust me over anyone else? It is me! Me, me, me. You’ll have to excuse me, I just can’t help it sometimes. I mean, I am pretty rad, afterall. Oh, and considerate!
What exactly is trust, though? I am not pondering that cognizantly, but rather the pure emotional sense. What is the feeling of trust?
The way I see it, it is the complete lack of feeling. Distrust itself is the feeling. It is an anxiety, a worm that rests in your gut; slithering and pilfering around; consuming everything within until it swells and expands the lining of your intestines to the point that any movement causes your stomach to place the rest of your body on red alert. When I am with someone I trust, I feel nothing at all. I feel comfortable saying whatever I might say. I feel comfortable being affiliated with their individual actions. I have a total lack of concern for how they will consider my emotional or physical well-being.
It is just a feeling, or lack thereof. That’s my simplified, flawed view of it, but it seems to fit.
Because when you have that protective barrier of trust ripped out, like a skinless body, you feel every single sensation, and it hurts like the dickens.
Like I said, just baggage I have to sort through. Nothing eloquent this time, nothing poignant, probably a waste of reading; maybe even a waste of me writing it, but I am just trying to put things in light and hopefully get something out of it, internally.
As much as I continue to hurt, and continue to hide myself from reality, I am not distrusting enough.
Nothing you type is a waste of writing and it is definitely not a waste of my time/energy to read what you write.
Your honesty is a breath of fresh air and one of the most important values (in my book, anyway) that any person could have. Especially being honest with yourself.
Keep it up. Your writing, even the ones you deem as blue, gray, and dreary, can be used by the Lord to bless others like me.
Thanks.
Your*
What can I say, I’m not thinking straight because it’s past my bed time.