Author: james

I forgot that today was going to be the loneliest day of the year. Had I remembered that, I might have proceeded with more trepidation, but I also estimate I ultimately would not have settled for trying to mitigate it. Instead, I found myself waking up from a nap at 6:44 P.M. remembering that at about that same time last January 1st, I was probably in the same exact place; my bed, drained emotionally, numbed and lifeless.

This year it was kind of different, but it was similar enough to smack me on the face. I had forgotten that my break-up occurred on the 1st of the year, 2011. I don’t know how, but maybe that I am forgetting is for the best.

I poured a large part of my heart out today to someone. I’m glad I did. Funny, though, the couple people I know who have had the privilege (I say privilege sardonically) for me to confide my intentions to do this didn’t understand what on Atlas’ shoulders I was thinking. I was merely being me, and also trying to allow myself the space (within myself) to continue to be me. It wasn’t a play or some tactical move, it was just honesty. I think I understand the honesty of enough people’s situations to recognize what things are and what they should be, but feelings are too much like nature. I consider myself a fertile plot of land as an individual, and if you plant yourself in the grounds of my life, shower me with gentleness and consideration, then if you shine brightly and beautifully, the growth is inevitable.

I have said it too many times already, but I didn’t even expect to be capable of such growth so soon on January 1st, 2011. So that is what it is. The point of even talking about this in any capacity isn’t about the occurrence of it, because it is mostly irrelevant, but rather, I did’t expect to feel so emotionally exasperated afterward. I went in having scenarios and expected probabilities, and what all took place was pretty much in my calculations, which is what I needed as I begin transitioning and spending some time living amorphously. In the present, I did what I needed and what I needed out of it I got. Done. But that exhaustion… it probably wouldn’t have hit so hard without some other factors, but I think the point is clear; I have no emotional lungs right now.

I’m that atrophied rehab patient– coupled with the fact that I put myself in a setting where I have to admit not only to myself, but another human for more than a moment that I am still an emotional creature and you have someone who is passed out in bed until he sinks in with the thing and his skin grafts with the mattress. I guess one of the overarching challenges facing this year is going to be getting back into normal emotional shape. 2011 was for regaining emotional capability– from paralyzation to walking again. This year will be from taking a few steps at a time to mobility. I am really excited for 2012 as a whole, but that part sounds like a pain. Emotions are a pain, but I gotta feel, ya know. I’m at least half the empath Deanna Troi from Star Trek: TNG is.

As far as other things, today was the first day that I felt the effects of my closest friend being out of my life again. He left in the morning near the end of the week. Reality only lagged a few days behind this time. I think that alone probably would have conc’ed me out in my bed this afternoon like I did, so it was just another lump on my head. With him back around, I was enjoying life with training wheels on again. I had the task of navigating the terrain, pedaling, braking, steering and even keeping my balance in extreme situations, but I had those two little wheels on the back at all times to give me a safer, somewhat unrealistic environment to rely on. That’s gone, and more importantly, probably half of myself is gone. I always told him we were Yin to each other’s Yang, because our friendship is paradoxical in most ways, but we shape out so that it interlocks pretty darn completely. That’s a lot to lose, and that would have been the biggest emotional impact I felt today– had it not been for the terror of memory.

I’ve been saying how I’ve finally gotten closure on the past, and I feel like I mostly have. In fact, beyond waking up, seeing the clock, and feeling exactly how I felt when I did this evening, I really did not feel any impact from the whole breaking up with the girl you’ve loved as close to unconditionally as personally possible (at those points in my life) and the last images of her being her breaking down into billions of unrecognizable fragments underneath a flurry of tears on your bed, then like a balloon rapidly losing air just kind of incomprehensibly and awkwardly floating off, out of the house, into her car and driving out of your life for good– no impact at all past that moment when I caught myself in the act of forgetting. The same moment when I realize I felt identical enough at the same moment a year away in the same sense that people look similar to someone, but when you really examine their faces they don’t look alike at all.

In summation of all these things, I’ve been living the rest of the day with the understanding that this is the loneliest day of the year for me. It is funny because a lot of people preach about how 2012, or any other year, is just an arbitrary number assigned by us and doesn’t make a difference from the previous day to this day. For one, I’d argue that there is a lot to be said in symbolism and what things, such as numbers, represent, but more pertinent, for me, the calendar year happens to cycle with major shifts in my life. Once again, I find myself in a massive transformation of which coincides with the new year.

The thing is this: yes, it is the most lonely day of the year for me, but I haven’t looked forward to a new year probably ever in my life as much as I do 2012. So while I felt that, I also felt pure joy. Plus I think two out of three of those emotional events to start off my year were things I have more to celebrate in than anything.

I’m not here to elaborate on that anymore than I have though.

I’m here to cap off this lonely day, reflect, re-experience emotion arnd get myself geared up for this week, which is when I truly start romping around with the training wheels off. I expect plenty of scuffs and bruises, but plenty of great experiences along with it.

You see, for everything else I have said that you might perceive as something negative or depressing, I take as inspiring and invigorating because all these things show me that–

I’m on the verge of living.

My heart is racing just thinking about that.

🙂