Category: life

I forgot that today was going to be the loneliest day of the year. Had I remembered that, I might have proceeded with more trepidation, but I also estimate I ultimately would not have settled for trying to mitigate it. Instead, I found myself waking up from a nap at 6:44 P.M. remembering that at about that same time last January 1st, I was probably in the same exact place; my bed, drained emotionally, numbed and lifeless.

This year it was kind of different, but it was similar enough to smack me on the face. I had forgotten that my break-up occurred on the 1st of the year, 2011. I don’t know how, but maybe that I am forgetting is for the best.

I poured a large part of my heart out today to someone. I’m glad I did. Funny, though, the couple people I know who have had the privilege (I say privilege sardonically) for me to confide my intentions to do this didn’t understand what on Atlas’ shoulders I was thinking. I was merely being me, and also trying to allow myself the space (within myself) to continue to be me. It wasn’t a play or some tactical move, it was just honesty. I think I understand the honesty of enough people’s situations to recognize what things are and what they should be, but feelings are too much like nature. I consider myself a fertile plot of land as an individual, and if you plant yourself in the grounds of my life, shower me with gentleness and consideration, then if you shine brightly and beautifully, the growth is inevitable.

I have said it too many times already, but I didn’t even expect to be capable of such growth so soon on January 1st, 2011. So that is what it is. The point of even talking about this in any capacity isn’t about the occurrence of it, because it is mostly irrelevant, but rather, I did’t expect to feel so emotionally exasperated afterward. I went in having scenarios and expected probabilities, and what all took place was pretty much in my calculations, which is what I needed as I begin transitioning and spending some time living amorphously. In the present, I did what I needed and what I needed out of it I got. Done. But that exhaustion… it probably wouldn’t have hit so hard without some other factors, but I think the point is clear; I have no emotional lungs right now.

I’m that atrophied rehab patient– coupled with the fact that I put myself in a setting where I have to admit not only to myself, but another human for more than a moment that I am still an emotional creature and you have someone who is passed out in bed until he sinks in with the thing and his skin grafts with the mattress. I guess one of the overarching challenges facing this year is going to be getting back into normal emotional shape. 2011 was for regaining emotional capability– from paralyzation to walking again. This year will be from taking a few steps at a time to mobility. I am really excited for 2012 as a whole, but that part sounds like a pain. Emotions are a pain, but I gotta feel, ya know. I’m at least half the empath Deanna Troi from Star Trek: TNG is.

As far as other things, today was the first day that I felt the effects of my closest friend being out of my life again. He left in the morning near the end of the week. Reality only lagged a few days behind this time. I think that alone probably would have conc’ed me out in my bed this afternoon like I did, so it was just another lump on my head. With him back around, I was enjoying life with training wheels on again. I had the task of navigating the terrain, pedaling, braking, steering and even keeping my balance in extreme situations, but I had those two little wheels on the back at all times to give me a safer, somewhat unrealistic environment to rely on. That’s gone, and more importantly, probably half of myself is gone. I always told him we were Yin to each other’s Yang, because our friendship is paradoxical in most ways, but we shape out so that it interlocks pretty darn completely. That’s a lot to lose, and that would have been the biggest emotional impact I felt today– had it not been for the terror of memory.

I’ve been saying how I’ve finally gotten closure on the past, and I feel like I mostly have. In fact, beyond waking up, seeing the clock, and feeling exactly how I felt when I did this evening, I really did not feel any impact from the whole breaking up with the girl you’ve loved as close to unconditionally as personally possible (at those points in my life) and the last images of her being her breaking down into billions of unrecognizable fragments underneath a flurry of tears on your bed, then like a balloon rapidly losing air just kind of incomprehensibly and awkwardly floating off, out of the house, into her car and driving out of your life for good– no impact at all past that moment when I caught myself in the act of forgetting. The same moment when I realize I felt identical enough at the same moment a year away in the same sense that people look similar to someone, but when you really examine their faces they don’t look alike at all.

In summation of all these things, I’ve been living the rest of the day with the understanding that this is the loneliest day of the year for me. It is funny because a lot of people preach about how 2012, or any other year, is just an arbitrary number assigned by us and doesn’t make a difference from the previous day to this day. For one, I’d argue that there is a lot to be said in symbolism and what things, such as numbers, represent, but more pertinent, for me, the calendar year happens to cycle with major shifts in my life. Once again, I find myself in a massive transformation of which coincides with the new year.

The thing is this: yes, it is the most lonely day of the year for me, but I haven’t looked forward to a new year probably ever in my life as much as I do 2012. So while I felt that, I also felt pure joy. Plus I think two out of three of those emotional events to start off my year were things I have more to celebrate in than anything.

I’m not here to elaborate on that anymore than I have though.

I’m here to cap off this lonely day, reflect, re-experience emotion arnd get myself geared up for this week, which is when I truly start romping around with the training wheels off. I expect plenty of scuffs and bruises, but plenty of great experiences along with it.

You see, for everything else I have said that you might perceive as something negative or depressing, I take as inspiring and invigorating because all these things show me that–

I’m on the verge of living.

My heart is racing just thinking about that.

🙂

Summary: Where I was last year. Triumphing over it. Her. The nature of love. What ideals of love that form what we want when we think about loving someone. End.

I’m tired. At birth, I resolved to start every blog entry I have with mentioning how tired I am. I slept from 6:30 – 11. That kinda sucks. Plus I’m used to going to sleep at 1 am these days.

I haven’t had an honest update since August. August, as you all know, was when my life got unpaused. It is in play, but there is enough there for it to be fast forwarding. This section is starting to wind down. It feels longer than the few months it has been. I have to force myself to check-in– right now! This is an important moment of my life currently. I need to write about it.

Exactly a year ago, I was the steaming car broken down on the side of the road, you know, that one on some sun-dried, endless stretch of road in the desert. Even if I could go, I had no direction.

I look back on it all and realize how much it sucks. I systematically gave up everything I had, even the best things I had. I had a love, but very little to offer her. I didn’t officially relinquish that until a couple months following my break down, but it happened. I had enough moments where I doubted if I’d ever come back from it all. Recovering from serious injury always puts that doubt in your mind that you can do it again; that your injury won’t resurface and prevail.

A few days ago I turned in a business plan and a strategic management group case. Those two shadows hadn’t left my room in a year. No matter any attempt to fill these dark spaces with light, they remained. I knew going back into school that these specific assignments, as well as the others would not be a problem. I was more than capable of completing them, of excelling, even, but they only go increasingly daunting as time passed; as their time approached.

Fast forward to feverish typing and hours stacking like Tetris blocks on level 99, I think I ultimately was removed from myself in all this. There was no other way. In every case, I completed these things at the last minute. These shadows in my room were gone.

Without that obstruction I am now seeing the reality of what is finally–finally approaching. Four months later I finally feel like I’ve found my place on this campus, and now I’m about to leave it.

I am finally finding that I can feel in other ways, not that I am ready to deal with anything involving love, but that I am finally progressing. I think I am discovering that I need closure on the past. How she decided to find closure may have worked for her, but I now realize it doesn’t work for me. I don’t know what to do about that. I think I need to talk to her, even if it is just one conversation. I don’t know what to say, though. I’d have no direction. I don’t know if it is selfishness or a true pursuit for closure. Every instance of contact I’ve had with her since the 1st of January has waterboarded me with guilt and self-loathing. I don’t want to be a problem. Apparently any contact is a problem. I don’t know what I’ll do about that. Too bad I can’t bat signal this and her contact me on her own initiative.

I had a conversation last night about love. The prompt was: if you could be in love with any person, who would it be? My answer was no answer. I didn’t know. That concept doesn’t exist for me right now, how could I dare to even spotlight any one person? As an aside, it is interesting to hear other people answer that question. Among friends it seems that we would want a love with someone that is somewhat unexpected, or contrary to how things are in reality. When I think about it, I can only think of 2.. maybe 3 people that I could actually see having a relationship that would constitute real love — out of the people I currently know (and one of those is automatically subtracted, given the circumstance of how things turned out).

It is odd to me, though, because when I think of a majority of girls that I know, I think that I would be the best option for them, with regards to love.  I also think that I could have at least a ‘decent’ love with just about anyone, and when I say decent I mean better than average– maybe not up to my standards, but better than average. These kind of opinions, when spoken out loud, probably make me sound like some terrible, arrogant person, but I believe this– and I’m usually right.

It just begs a lot of questions about love, and also what we think about when we imagine a love with someone. I guess love is intrinsically associated with  some sort of pursuit of happiness– an alignment of desire for physical intimacy, emotional support and someone you can just count on being with and around. I hope it is evident that I’m not putting much effort into defining love and the forces that drive the need for it.

I also think that when I imagine being in love with a specific person, it has a lot of variability, but then again, there are a lot of similarities. I think on this stage, I’ll just leave it at that. I thought about divulging an example, but I think that is something best saved for one-on-one conversation.. it was more just a thought exercise for myself, and a future question to ask people in conversation. Curiosity sparked.

I have many more thoughts on the forefront, but I’m having trouble writing given the environment I’m in. A 4 person chat group decided to assemble next to my work area, so long 5 hours of peace I’ve enjoyed. I have to get back to work anyway.

This time last year I was laying in my bed 16 hours a day, trying to hide from the rest of the world; using sleep as a numbing agent to everything I was feeling. Now, I’m about to finish up a couple more presentations and barrel on. I get stronger everyday.